Take 2.... whatcha gonna do???

Well folks, after almost a year hiatus, I'm back and willing to give this a second go.

As most of you know, my fiancé Gilles and I spent the past 6 weeks in the US. It was a nice trip- a bummer that we couldn't see all the people we wanted to and do all the things that we wanted to, but thus were the circumstances and I suppose I should be grateful that I got to go at all and I am definitely super happy to have been able to see the friends that I did.

So now, here I am again, for another year (at least) in France. And I have to admit, it's weird being back. Everything feels so normal, but it doesn't feel like home. Granted, being in the US did not feel like being home either, and it DEFINITELY did not feel normal. It just felt absolutely wonderful to be in the most blessed country in the world, but it didn't feel like home, I didn't feel like I could stay there for long. And even though it's where I grew up, the way of life didn't feel normal either because it's so different from life in France. It wasn't home, it wasn't normal, but it felt amazing to be there. Now I'm back in France, and everything around me feels normal, like this is the normal daily life routine that I'm used to running, this is the way I'm used to things being, but it still doesn't feel like home and it definitely doesn't feel good like in the US to be here. Maybe because there's so much uncertainty.

The United States of America is so blessed to have huge supermarkets with anything you could possibly want inside of them. We're blessed to have cars that can bring us directly from door to door without having to depend on public transportation to take you on the most indirect route possible and then make you walk anyway in the pouring rain and below freezing temperatures to get from A to B. We can buy watermelons all year round. In the US, Obama's "Yes We Can" is like the 11th commandment- we have freedom and the sky is the limit.

Last year, I brought that American optimism with me. This was a new frontier for me to discover, an adventure to be had with new lessons to learn and experiences to grow from. This past year has killed that optimism. France (especially Paris) is the world where "No, You Can't and Never Will Be Able To" is the 11th commandment and people keep that pessimism in every aspect of their lives and will do everything to put it into your life too so that you can't spread some sunshine on their rain parade.

So I'm not really sure what to write here. I have no idea what to expect. Right now, I have no job, no income, no apartment, and my visa expires in a month. What am I doing here? I thought I knew, but I guess only time will tell.